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"There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same." -- Norman Mailer

This last little piece of NarimŠ.

No one has asked for it back, no one wants to study the technology behind it - yet. Just a shimmering blue image that still manages to convey Narimıs sincerity and kindness - even the quiet urgency of his voice is warm and familiar.

I canıt help feeling I caused what happened to him and his people. I knew - I always knew - how he felt about me. I donıt want to think my words alone influenced his actions, butŠ

I guess weıll never know.

The Tokıra have promised to send a ship to discover the fate of Tollana, but it will be months before we know. Iım not so sure I want to know.

Most of me knows we did the right thing. Most of me is certain Narim acted according to his conscience and not just to please me. Most of me knows the good of the many in the galactic equation was served by the destruction of those new weapons. But knowing doesnıt help much.

Daniel says this will get easier with time, and if anyone knows itıs him. He also says what Iım feeling is normalŠor at least as normal as anything gets in the high-stakes life we lead. Like I said, knowing doesnıt help much. Daniel said that too. Actually Daniel said a lot of things tonight after he showed up on my doorstep bearing chocolate, Chinese, and a bottle of deceptively sweet and mild Southern Comfort. Who knew Daniel could be as innocuously devious in friendship as he is against the goaıuld? But Iıll forgive him - itıs not a grief management process I want to get used to, but it helped. Just having someone to share this awful sense of responsibility with helps, someone who understands in ways a lot of people never could.

We talked about a lot of things tonight: this new, nameless goaıuld; the philosophy of arrogant isolationism that left the Tollan woefully unprepared for a threat their technology couldnıt handle; my own ambivalent feelings for a man I barely knew but connected with immediately. Somewhere into the second half of the bottle of liquor, we got sickeningly maudlin about the shitty state of our love lives - I definitely remember both of us swearing to remain celibate until we retire - but hopefully heıll forget that one in the morning. Despite losing Martouf and Orlin and now probably Narim on my part Iım not ready to give up and I donıt think he is either. Itıs not who we are. Which, Iım pretty sure, is a good thing.

With a sigh, I turn off the hologram of Narim. Itıs late and I really should get some sleep tonight. Danielıs already snoring on my couch; he just sort of slid over after his rather sweet pronouncement that heıd join me in celibacy for the good of the universe. The colonelıs right on one thing - Danielıs definitely a cheap date. A cute cheap date, a giggly drunk, and a damn fine friend. With a stifled giggle, I concentrate on getting to my feet and retrieving a quilt from the closet. I weave my way back to the couch and tuck it in around him, slipping his glasses off and putting them on the end table for safety.

Daniel burrows into the warmth automatically, stirring enough to prop open one eye and ask, ³You okay?²

I grin back at him and nod, tapping one finger on his nose. ³Fine, go back to sleepŠ²

He smiles a bit and the eye closes.

I take the hologram device with me, tucking it into my jewelry box alongside Orlinıs emerald before making my way to bed. I know thereıs probably some macabre significance in keeping these two particular mementosŠIıll have to ask Daniel.

Tomorrow.

*fin*